It’s nearly the middle of summer — Fourth of July weekend is upon us — and so our minds turn to the multiplexes across America, wondering: Where are the sequels that we REALLY want to see?
Bruce Willis has his latest version of Die Hard out, and Times film critic Steve Persall says it’s a throwback classic in his review. But isn’t that really a Christmas season movie? What we need are some good ole fashioned sequels to ’80s classics. I’m one step ahead of you.
TOP 10 MOVIES FROM THE ’80s THAT NEED A SEQUEL:
10. Fast Times at Ridgemont High: I know 1984’s “The Wild Life” was sequel of sorts, but don’t you want to know what became of Jeff Spicoli after 25 years? I’m guessing he’s the shop teacher and runs the David Lee Roth page on MySpace. “People on ‘ludes should not drive.”
9. Beverly Hills Cop: It’s had two sorry sequels. But the original is the single source of power for the once-proud Eddie Murphy. And after “Norbit” and “Pluto Nash,” I think it’s time for Eddie to return to his roots. “Is this the gentleman who ruined the buffet at the Harrow club this morning?”
8. Caddyshack: Please, somebody do something to remove the taste in our mouths after “Caddyshack 2.” Bring back Kenny Loggins for the title song. And let’s find out what happened to “Danny” (Michael O’Keefe). But please keep Bill Murray’s brother (Brian Doyle-Murray) running the caddyshack. “Pick up that blood!”
7. Valley Girl: A Nic Cage film that doesn’t involve explosions? Yeah, think waaay back to the 80s. My guess is that even Deborah Foreman (“Julie”) would come out of hiding to reprise her greatest role.”Yeah, but Tommy can be such a dork, ya know? Like he’s got the bod, but his brains are bad news.”
6. The Breakfast Club: Answer the question once and for all — what happens to the kids when they return to school on Monday? I’m hoping that writing a sequel is the real reason that director John Hughes has been laying low for so long. “We’re all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that’s all.”
5. Sixteen Candles: From all reports, a sequel to this classic almost did happen. But to truly find out what happened to Samantha (Molly Ringwald) and her dreamy boyfriend, you’ll have to rescue Michael Schoeffling (“Jake”) from his job making furniture in Pennsylvania. (Sadly, I’m not joking.) “Would you stop feeling sorry for yourself? It’s bad for your complexion.”
4. Victory: The ultimate soccer/war/escape movie of the ’80s. The only one in fact. I figure Sylvester Stallone can return — Rambo style — to free to rest of his fellow POW’s (and maybe organize a camp softball team to play against the Soviet national team for when the war is over). “This frigging game is ruining my life.”
3. War Games: I figure “David Lightman” (Matthew Broderick) could be running a huge software company these days, fighting the Justice Department over its business practices, hanging about rock stars and being named Time Magazine’s man of the year. Nah, too unrealistic. ” Is it a game… or is it real?”
2. Better Off Dead: One of the most underrated movies of the 80s can become the most overhyped sequel of our times, thanks to the star power of John Cusack. But unless they bring back Diane Franklin (“Monique”), Dan Schneider (“Ricky”) and Curtis Armstrong (“Charles”), we’re all better off dead. “Go that way, really fast. If something gets in your way, turn.”
1. Blade Runner: I was screaming for a sequel before the credits even rolled on the original flick. Do Deckard and Rachael live happily ever after? Plus, Rutger Hauer and Sean Young could use the work. “I need ya, Deck. This is a bad one, the worst yet. I need the old blade runner, I need your magic.”