Category Archives: Jokes

A True Michigander!

Got this from Colleen (McGinnis) Murray and I thought I would share it.

Sylvia

Are  you aware that Jeff Foxworthy is now picking on Michigan?… funny and acurate!!!

PART 1:

You might live in Michigan when …

1. If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by.

2. If you’re proud that your region makes the national news 96 nights each year because Pellston is the coldest spot in the nation.

3. If your local Dairy Queen is closed November through March.

4. If you instinctively walk like a penguin for five months out of  the year.

5. If someone in a store offers you assistance, and they don’t work there.

6. If your dad’s suntan stops at a line curving around the middle of  his forehead.

7. If you have worn shorts and a coat at the same time.

8. If your town has an equal number of bars and churches.

9. If you have had a long telephone onversation with someone who dialed a wrong number.

Part 2 –

You’re a true MICHIGANDER when . . .

1. “Vacation” means going up north on I-75

2. You measure distance in hours.

3. You know several people who have hit a deer more than once.

4. You often switch from “heat” to “A/C” in the same day.

5. You can drive 65 mph through 2 feet of snow during a raging blizzard, without flinching.

6. You see people wearing camouflage at social events (including weddings).

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car and your girlfriend knows how to use them.

9. You design your kid’s Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.

10. Driving is better in the winter because the pot holes are filled with snow.

11.  You know all 4 seasons: almost winter, winter, still winter and road construction.

12. You can identify a southern or eastern  accent.

13. Your idea of creative landscaping is a statue of a deer next to your blue spruce.

14. You were unaware that  there is a legal drinking age.

15. Down South to you means Ohio.

16. A brat is something  you eat.

17. Your neighbor throws a party to celebrate his new pole barn.

18. You go out to fish fry every Friday.

19. Your 4th of July picnic was moved indoors due to frost.

20. You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.

21. You find 0 degrees “a little chilly.”

22.  You drink pop and bake with soda.

23. Your doctor tells you to  drink Vernors and you know it’s not medicine.

24. And you can actually drink it without coughing.

25. You know what a  Yooper is.

26. You think owning a Honda is Un-American.

27. You know that UP is a place, not a  direction.

28. You know it’s possible to live in a  thumb.

29. You understand that when visiting Detroit, the best thing  to wear is a Kevlar vest.

30. You actually understand these  jokes, and you forward them to all your Michigan friends.

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37 Things You May Not Know!

Thought this was interesting…

1. Coca-Cola was originally green.

2. The most common name in the world is Mohammed.

3. The name of all the continents ends with the same letter that they start with.

4. The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

5. There are two credit cards for every person in the United States.

6. TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of the keyboard.

7. Women blink nearly twice as much as men!..

8. You can’t kill yourself by holding your breath..

9. It is impossible to lick your elbow.

10. People say “Bless you” when you sneeze because when you Sneeze, your heart stops for a millisecond.

11. It is physically impossible for pigs to look up into the sky.

12. The “sixth sick sheik’s sixth sheep’s sick” is said to be the

toughest tongue twister in the English language.

13. If you sneeze too hard, you can fracture a rib. If you try to suppress a sneeze; you can rupture a blood vessel in your head or neck and die.

14. Each king in a deck of playing cards represents great king from History. “Spades” King David; “Clubs” Alexander the Great;” Hearts” Charlemagne; “Diamonds” Julius Caesar.

15. 111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

16. If a statue of a warrior on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has a all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

17 What do bullet proof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser printers all have in common?

Answer: All invented by women.

18. Honey This is the only food that doesn’t spoil.

19. A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.

20. A snail can sleep for three years.

21. All polar bears are left handed.

22. American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive from each salad served in first-class.

23. Butterflies taste with their feet.

24. Elephants are the only animals that can’t jump.

25. In the last 4,000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.

26. On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.

27. Shakespeare invented the word ‘assassination’ and ‘bump’.

28. Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.

29. The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.

30. The electric chair was invented by a dentist.

31. The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

32. Rats multiply so quickly that in 18 months, two rats could have over million descendants.

33. Wearing headphones for just an hour will increase the bacteria in your ear by 700 times.

34. The cigarette lighter was invented before the match.

35. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

36. Like fingerprints, everyone’s tongue print is different

37. And finally 99% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

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Chili Cookoff

Chili Cookoff is one of my favorite jokes. Just thought I would share it with you.

Chili

Notes from an inexperienced Chili taster named FRANK, who was visiting Texas from the East Coast:

“Recently I was honored to be selected as a judge at a chili cook-off. The original person called in sick at the last moment, and I happened to be standing there at the judge’s table asking directions to the beer wagon when the call came. I was assured by the other two judges (Native Texans) that the chili wouldn’t be all that spicy, and besides, they told me I could have free beer during the tasting, so I accepted. Here are the scorecards from the event:

Chili # 1: Mike’s Maniac Mobster Monster Chili

JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato. Amusing kick.

JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.

FRANK: Holy shit, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. Took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that’s the worst one. These Texans are crazy.

Chili # 2: Arthur’s Afterburner Chili

JUDGE ONE: Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.

JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.

FRANK: Keep this out of reach of children! I’m not sure what I am supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.

Chili # 3: Fred’s Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili

JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great kick. Needs more beans.

JUDGE TWO: A bean less chili, a bit salty, good use of red peppers.

FRANK: Call the EPA, I’ve located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now, get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I’m getting shit-faced from all the beer.

Chili # 4: Bubba’s Black Magic

JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no spice. Disappointing.

JUDGE TWO: Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chili.

FRANK: I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it, is it possible to burn-out taste buds? Sally, the bar maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills, that 300 lb. bitch is starting to look HOT, just like this nuclear-waste I’m eating. Is chili an aphrodisiac?

Chili # 5: Linda’s Legal Lip Remover

JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne peppers freshly ground, adding considerable kick. Very impressive.

JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne peppers make a strong statement.

FRANK: My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I farted and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from a pitcher. I wonder if I’m burning my lips off? It really pisses me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw those rednecks!

Chili # 6: Vera’s Very Vegetarian Variety

JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.

JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.

FRANK: My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I shit myself when I farted and I’m worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that slut Sally, she must be kinkier than I thought. Can’t feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my ass with a snow cone!

Chili # 7: Susan’s Screaming Sensation Chili

JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.

JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chilli peppers at the last moment. I should note that I am worried about Judge Number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.

FRANK: You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I

wouldn’t feel a damn thing. I’ve lost the sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava-like shit to match my damn shirt. At least during the autopsy they’ll know what killed me. I’ve decided to stop breathing, it’s too painful. Screw it, I’m not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I’ll just suck it in through the 4 inch hole in my stomach.

Chili # 8: Mount Saint Helen’s Chili

JUDGE ONE: A perfect ending, this is a nice blend chili, safe for all, not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.

JUDGE TWO: This final entry is a good, balanced chili, neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge Number 3 passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he’s going to make it. Poor Yank, wonder how he would have reacted to a really hot chili?

FRANK: ————– (editor’s note: Judge #3 was unable to report)

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